My wife and I were in the kitchen this morning making breakfast and she said that I seem different since meeting my birth mother on Saturday.  Something has changed in you she said.  She is absolutely right and I know it.  Maybe I have tried to convince myself for so long about not caring who my birth parents are that I bought into it as a self-defense mechanism in my brain.

My father was a psychologist by profession and we use to get into debates of hereditary vs. environmental factors shaping a person's personality.  My father firmly believed that our DNA controlled everything.  After meeting my birth mother, I think my father was right.  There were too many similarities discovered during the 5 hour conversation to explain away as mere coincidences.  Our mutual passion for music (especially U2 and Led Zeppelin), outdoor adventures including fishing, civic involvement, areas of study in college and the list continued.

It was also amazing to observe our physical similarities as well.  I just kept staring at her noticing our physical attributes that we shared such as our hair color and texture that was exactly the same.  It made me so happy that at 61 her hair had just touches of gray and she assured me that she doesn't color:-).  We also had the same skin texture, color and the same narrow feet.  She shared her same frustration in finding shoes that fit well with such narrow feet.

It was especially interesting to understand the heritage of where my family immigrated from Ireland to settle in Colorado and ultimately through marriage moved to Sacramento.  So I now know that I am half Irish, quarter Spanish and quarter Portuguese (explains the nose).

I would have to say the experience on Saturday exceeded all expectations because I honestly tried to have none to protect against being disappointed.  My birth mother is going to be like diving into a great novel that you can't wait for the next chapter to begin.  She called last night after the Super Bowl to tell me how much she appreciated Stacia and me coming to visit her and her husband and that she is looking forward to meeting my sons at our house next weekend.  She said that she is so excited to have five new people in her life.  I have to say that I am excited to experience this journey we are on and there is a sense of comfort in knowing where it is that I came from.

Oh, I never could have imagined that I would be going to the U2 concert in Oakland with my birth mother in June.  How nuts is that?

Just returned home with Stacia (my wife) and I was greeted with my three beautiful sons asking how the meeting went with my biological mother.  My mind is so overwhelmed processing every aspect of the five-hour discussion that I am not sure what to think.  I can say that it was amazing how much we are alike in our tastes in music, academic studies, personality characteristics, passion for the outdoors and other similarities.  She didn't seem to align with some of my hang-ups involving the removal of all tags on shirt collars, dislike for straws in drinks or the hatred of lids on coffee cups- will have to explore more of these issues in future conversations.

So glad my wife went with me today and couldn't imagine not having her by my side.  We spent the two-hour drive home processing what was and was not said during the conversation.  Her intuition and insights that she shared were brilliant. The added bonus was she drove both ways.

Can't believe Saturday is finally here.  Thankful that I was so busy in Seattle working this week or I wouldn't have been able to concentrate whatsoever.  Have wondered all my life if I would ever experience the day of meeting my biological mother and it is finally here at 43 years of age.  It would have been nice to at least get a haircut this week- I have the total 70s long hair going right now.

Really happy that Stacia is going with me today for her support and the shared experience.  She and I have almost gone through our whole lives together since I was 15 years old.  Wouldn't want to share this day with anyone else.  I get the added bonus of her driving the 2.5 hours each way so I can look out the window, read my Wall Street Journal and of course talk since we haven't seen each other all week. 

Starting the Search

This story began after the passing of my Father Edgar last summer which was a devastating experience for all of us in our family.  Any of you have lost a parent or a close loved one knows what I mean.  It caused me to take a deep look at my life to make sure that I am focusing on the right priorities, appreciating what I have and to realize more than ever how much I love my Mother and Father and the rest of my family.  As an adopted child I think it has made me even more appreciative of the great parents and family that I have- they have given me such an awesome life.

 

For most of my life when I tell people I am adopted they inevitably ask “have you ever thought of searching for your birth parents.”  I usually respond by saying that “I have a mom and dad so why do I need to search for my birth parents?”  Furthermore, I have never felt like there is something missing that would be filled by searching out my birth parents.

 

About a month after my Father’s passing that changed, I decided to begin the process of requesting my birth information and the consent to contact documentation in the event that my family members wanted to make contact.  I can tell you that the consent to contact is a scary thought for an adoptee.  I did this for two primary reasons.  The first is the constant curiosity of my three sons who regularly ask about their heritage (on my side) when doing school reports and they get tired of me saying that their nationality is half adoptedJ  The other reason is that I felt God was moving on me to contact my birth mother to thank her for giving me such an awesome life. This became even clearer once I received a very detailed background report describing my birth mother and what she did for me.

 

After initiating this process I have two new buddies, Mary who is an adoption social worker from the county and Marie from the The Alma Society (http://www.almasociety.org/) which is a non-profit organization that helps adoptees find their biological family members.  These two ladies are amazing human beings to say the least and I will be truly grateful for the rest of my life for what they have done for me.   

 

Marie and I have been researching for nearly two months on identifying my birth mother and we were running into dead ends.  This all changed last Friday when we finally discovered my birth mother’s sister by matching records with my maternal grandparents.  Again we were at dead end because none of the California birth records matched the last names of my maternal grandparents and maternal aunt to my birth mother.  Marie sent me to the downtown library on Saturday to find the obituary notice in the Sacramento Bee for my maternal grandmother that died in the winter of 1989.  After searching through microfiche for an hour and a half, I found the Sacramento Bee obituary notice that named the two surviving daughters of my maternal grandmother.  Immediately I called Marie (who lives in Virginia) from the library to let her know that I found the name.  I think she was more excited than me.  Within minutes she confirmed the exact match of my birth mother with incredibly detailed information including her address in Chico, California.  Marie had details about where my birth mother lived over the last forty years including the name of her husband.  Thank God for technology and the Internet.

 

While talking to Marie it hit me that I was about to open a door to the unknown.  Questions started running through my mind that I could be opening the proverbial Pandora’s box by taking the inevitable next step of contacting this woman.  In her bio she said that she kept her pregnancy from her Sister and that she moved into a home for unwed mothers for the duration of her pregnancy.  Was this still a secret that she had been keeping from her family and would I be causing her unwanted grief by contacting her?  I immediately questioned if I should stop here and go no further because this could be a huge mistake.  Marie and talked it over on how to approach the situation, I called my wife for advice and then went to my car in the library parking garage to pray for direction.  I don’t think I have been more scared in my life including going through the death process with my father.

 

Marie and I could not find any contact information on the Internet so I contacted Chico information that provided me with the number.  All that came to my mind was “oh shit there is no turning back.”  I made the call late Saturday afternoon and left a message on her answering machine just like Marie and I had rehearsed.  It almost sounded like a telemarketer message so I was worried that she would just delete the message.

 

When I returned home from church Sunday afternoon I still had not received a return phone call and I was going to leave on a 40-50 mile bike ride so I decided to call before leaving.  I dialed her number and this time she answered the phone and my heart almost stopped beating.  A thought ran through my mind that I call on some of the highest ranking corporate executives in the country and I don’t get this nervous- everything is okay just calm the hell down.  I said “hi my name is David Smith and I left you a message yesterday and am I calling you at a good time?”  She said “yes I am sorry that I didn’t call you back I was in Sacramento for a family gathering all day and just walked in the door with my husband from church.”  Then I replied “is this a good time to talk” and she said “yes.”  I told her that I was doing biological family research and asked if she was related to several people that Marie and I identified as the maternal grandmother, aunt and niece.  She replied yes again.  Then I asked her if my date of birth meant anything to her and she paused for a moment and said “I am not sure.”  Then she replied “are you my son?”  I replied “I am not sure, but there is a very good possibility that I am.”  I again asked her if this was a good time to talk not knowing what the situation was around her.  She replied “ yes, I am standing right next to my husband.  I can’t believe this.  He and I have talked about this day hundreds of time and I can’t believe it is happening.” 

 

I told her the reason for finding her was to tell her thank you for the selfless act of giving me up for adoption and that she has given me the most incredible and blessed life that I could ever have.  I also shared with her that I didn’t have any expectations of meeting her or having a relationship with her at all- just simply wanted to say thank you to her.  She immediately said that she wanted to meet me.  We had the most incredible conversation over the next half an hour just asking basic questions of one another like health, family, brief backgrounds, interests etc…  She seems super cool.  We exchanged mailing addresses so that we could send each other pictures prior to meeting this Saturday in Chico.

 

After finishing the call I told my wife Stacia and three sons who were totally blown away by the whole thing.  I couldn’t believe it.  Immediately I thought of my mother and said to my wife that I need to tell her before this goes any further.  I knew this wasn’t going to be easy even though she and my father had always been open about my adoption.  I went immediately over to my mother’s house and had the conversation.  We had a few tears and a lot of laughs about how she was cutting me out of her will for doing this.  My mother is hysterical.  I reassured of why I decided to do the search and that she is always my true mother- no one can ever replace her-never.  I had to immediately crack a joke or we were both going to be a mess.  Now I need to inform my sister and brother and hopefully they are okay with the path that I have taken.  Not sure how they are going to handle it.

 

Well, this should bring you up to speed with this journey that Stacia, Holden, Tristan, Ethan and I are on.  I almost forgot to tell you that my birth mother never had any other children except for me.